Tom Waits

Before you read this, it would probably be helpful to read the Tom Waits entry in Wikipedia. That's right: you'll have to do some work to better appreciate this quote!

When that's done, you'll hopefully have a better idea of where he's coming from.

The quote

The quote is taken from a song called "Step Right Up", from Tom Waits' 1989 album Small Change. It is mentioned in the Wikipedia entry under the "Lawsuits" section (because I know you didn't actually read all of it).

It occurs at the very end of the song (in bold text), and if you read the lyrics below, you'll understand that it's actually a harsh comment on advertising. The song's lyrics are all familiar advertising one-liners that we've heard all our lives. I won't presume to understand what Waits' message was with this song, but my personal interpretation was enough to warrant putting it up there. What, you thought I was going to explain why *I* chose the quote? No, no. Make up your own interpretation—it's much more fun!

So here are the lyrics to the song:

Step Right Up (words and music © 1989 Tom Waits)

Step right up, step right up, step right up
Everyone's a winner, bargains galore
That's right, you too can be the proud owner of the quality goes in before the name goes on
One-tenth of a dollar, one-tenth of a dollar
We got service after sales
You need perfume? we got perfume; how 'bout an engagement ring?
Something for the little lady, something for the little lady, something for the little lady, hmm?
Three for a dollar
We got a year-end clearance, we got a white sale, and a smoke-damaged furniture you can drive it away today
Act now, act no and receive as our gift, our gift to you
They come in all colors, one size fits all
No muss, no fuss, no spills
You're tired of kitchen drudgery
Everything must go
Going out of business, going out of business, going out of business sale
Fifty percent off original retail price, skip the middle man
Don't settle for less
How do we do it, how do we do it?
Volume, volume, turn up the volume
Now you've heard it advertised, don't hesitate
Don't be caught with your drawers down, don't be caught with your drawers down
You can step right up, step right up

That's right, it filets, it chops, it dices, slices, never stops
Lasts a lifetime, mows your lawn
And it mows your lawn
and it picks up the kids from school
It gets rid of unwanted facial hair, it gets rid of embarrassing age spots
It delivers a pizza
And it lengthens, and it strengthens
And it finds that slipper that's been at large, under the chaise lounge for several weeks
And it plays a mean Rhythm Master
It makes excuses for unwanted lipstick on your collar
And it's only a dollar, step right up, it's only a dollar, step right up

'Cause it forges your signature
If not completely satisfied, mail back unused portion of product, for complete refund of price of purchase
Step right up
Please allow thirty days for delivery, don't be fooled by cheap imitations
You can live in it
Live in it, laugh in it, love in it, swim in it, sleep in it
Live in it, swim in it, laugh in it, love in it
Removes embarrassing stains from contour sheets
That's right
And it entertains visiting relatives
It turns a sandwich into a banquet
Tired of being the life of the party?
Change your shorts, change your life
Change your life
Change into a nine-year-old Hindu boy get rid of your wife
And it walks your dog, and it doubles on sax
Doubles on sax, you can jump back Jack see you later alligator, see you later alligator
And it steals your car
It gets rid of your gambling debts, it quits smoking, it's a friend, and it's a companion
And it's the only product you will ever need
Follow these easy assembly instructions
It never needs ironing
Well it takes weights off hips, bust, thighs, chin, midriff, gives you dandruff, and it finds you a job
It is a job!
And it strips the phone company free, take ten for five exchange
And it gives you denture breath
And you know it's a friend, and it's a companion
And it gets rid of your traveler's checks
It's new, it's improved, it's old-fashioned
Well it takes care of business
Never needs winding, never needs winding, never needs winding
Gets rid of blackheads, the heartbreak of psoriasis, Christ, you don't know the meaning of heartbreak, buddy
C'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon
'Cause it's effective, it's defective
It creates household odors, it disinfects, it sanitizes for your protection
It gives you an erection, it wins the election
Why put up with painful corns any longer?
It's a redeemable coupon, no obligation, no salesman will visit your home
We got a jackpot, jackpot, jackpot, prizes, prizes, prizes, all work guaranteed
How do we do it, how do we do it, how do we do it, how do we do it?
We need your business, we're going out of business
We'll give you the business, get on the business end of our going-out-of-business sale
Receive our free brochure, free brochure
Read the easy-to-follow assembly instructions, batteries not included
Send before midnight tomorrow, terms available
Step right up, step right up, step right up
You got it buddy: the large print giveth, and the small print taketh away
Step right up, you can step right up, you can step right up, c'mon step right up
(Get away from me kid, you bother me...)
Step right up, step right up, step right up, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon
Step right up, you can step right up, c'mon and step right up, c'mon and step right up